I have to say I have never struggled this much to start a novel. Ever. I’m doing NaNoWriMo this year (or trying anyway) and I still can’t work up the courage to really commit to my novel idea. I haven’t written much in it so far as a result. At this point, I’m wondering if maybe I should just chuck the whole thing and start again (for like the 15th time…).
I know I could be a great writer if all of my ideas didn’t suck so much. I’ve got the expressiveness, grammar, form, and everything else down, but all of my ideas are just… duds. Plus, even if I do get a good idea, I don’t believe in it enough to write all the hard stuff (descriptions, explanations, etc.) and so my work ends up being short-winded and completely empty and hollow. All of this uncertainty is leading me to doubt so much about myself. If I don’t believe in what I’m writing, am I even a writer at all?
I know, I’m wasting valuable time talking about how hard it is to get started instead of actually starting. I guess I just hate spending time and effort on a thing if I don’t believe in it. I did some research on my personality type the other day and found out that I’m an “INFJ”: Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging. People like me have to have a real passion for something in order to pursue it. We have to believe in things. Also, we’re perfectionists, which makes it so hard to write and not care whether it’s good or bad. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me to actually write something. Maybe that’s why it feels near impossible.
I’m starting to think that maybe NaNoWriMo isn’t going to work for me this time. I’m just not ready to sit down and write. Perhaps my personality just will not allow me to proceed until the outline is finalized. My concept is not mature yet and I need it to be.
This is not me throwing in the towel… yet. I’ll try to do some outlining tonight and see where it leads me. I won’t cheat and add it into my word count but maybe it will at least allow me to stay in the running.
Maybe, maybe, maybe… Ugh. I hate being this unsure about everything.
Hope your day or evening is going better than mine!