I think it’s time I came clean about why I haven’t been cranking out the stories lately. I have plenty of time, after all; I’m barely in school (one class) and I’m only working part-time. But I’ve been lazy, depressed, and overall just unmotivated to do ANYthing. I think part of it has to do with me not feeling like I really belong anywhere.
I used to have a very clear place in the world, but now it just feels like that has kind of disappeared. I’m a little here, a little there, plus I do not open up to people very easily at all and do not have many close relationships because of it. That is such an isolating feeling that I am not sure I can describe it in words. I keep waiting for this period of my life to be over and for things to get better again but it seems like it never happens. I know everything happens for a reason, and I trust that this experience will help me become a better person and even a better writer. However, at the moment, it feels like I’m trapped; handcuffed and blindfolded, totally unable to do anything constructive. I’m sure most if not all of this is my fault, but that doesn’t make it easier. In fact, that only multiplies the burden. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock and undo a LOT of the decisions I have made in the past, but unfortunately all I have is today. Today which often seems very gray and miserable.
It actually took a LOT of courage just to be open about that in a blog post. I don’t like to admit that I have “feelings,” those tend to make one vulnerable. But everybody has feelings, whether they admit it or not, so why not show it and get the help you need? It’s hard to reveal your life to people if it’s not impressive or pretty, but hey, life isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always beautiful. It isn’t always perfect and everything isn’t always “okay” even if you say it is when people ask. So I want to send out a challenge to all my readers; be brutally honest. Tell people when you’re hurt or scared. Let other people see your weak side. Yes, some people will take advantage of that and kick you while you’re down, but the good ones will love you through it. Don’t close yourself off from your emotions. I have done that for too many years, ever since my father left. I decided not to trust people anymore and to stop hoping for good things to happen because, in my mind, they rarely did. But it doesn’t make any sense to cheat yourself out of all the good things in life just because of the bad. Let your heart stay open and your faith stay strong, and never, never give up hope. Rain and storms don’t last forever.
If the last part of what I said sounds like a fairy tale, read the 2nd paragraph again and then ask me to tell you the story of my life. My story is no fairy tale, neither is it a horror story, but it does tell the story of God’s mercy and love to a very undeserving and broken sinner.